Week 6: Courgettes

Chop up some courgettes, you tool.

First, lengthways. Then into little chunks. You don’t want massive chunks of courgette knocking around the kitchen, you Trump-loving knacker.

Don’t put them in the ragu yet, though. We’re just preparing these for later.

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Week 5: Mushrooms

Karl Hyde of Underworld once sang “you let light in, you let light in, you let light iiiiiinnnnn.”

What fool complains because the curtains have been opened? A right fool, that’s what.

Mushrooms. I recommend the large white mushroom. Not those funny looking chestnut ones. Or ones bought in Amsterdam. I felt like I was 18 feet wide after chowing down those bastards.

Chop them up. I recommend slices. I used to cut them into quarters but you end up with chunks that are too big. Slices. Like the Boo Radleys’ singer Sice but with an “l”.

Next week: courgettes.

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Week 4: Garlic

Garlic is a right cunt. It stinks like the whole of France, cuts you when you peel it and the cloves are small and fiddly. Nevertheless, a ragu without garlic is like trying to eat an egg when you don’t have any eggs and all the hens in the world have been wiped out by a combination of bird flu and Aids.

Sliver the ends off each clove, peel the remainder and then crush with a big wooden spoon (some people have garlic crushers) and cut into tiny little pieces. Wait for the carrots, celery and onion in the pan to soften (but not boil) and then hoy the garlic in. Give it another minute or so and add some balsamic vinegar and tomato purée to the mix. Then you want to boil that lot for no more than a minute.

Next: mushrooms.

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Week 3: Celery

Right, this week’s update. See that green stuff on the supermarket shelf. No, not the courgettes you tool. The stuff in stalks. No, not the bloody spring onions. STALKS. Green. Aye, that. Celery. Get to the till and buy it.

You will need about three stalks for the ragu. Supermarkets, with their global economies of scale, sell the bastards in packs of eight stalks or more but it keeps for several weeks in the fridge so you can use the remainder in future ragus.

Cut three stalks into bits. Don’t slice your thumb open getting the knife out the rack like I did the other day. By Christ, that hurt.

Then peel and chop three carrots.

Pour about a quarter of a pint of water into a big old saucepan. Warm it gently, hoying the onions, celery and carrots in. Don’t boil its arse off, you want the vegetables to soften. Pour a little olive oil in there as well.

Next week we’ll be chopping up garlic and bunging a load of other shit in there and all.

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Ragu: Week 2

Last week we ended with the cliffhanger question: How many garlic cloves should I consider using for my ragu?

This week I answer the question how many garlic cloves you should consider using for your ragu.

You should consider using 2-4 garlic cloves in your ragu, depending on personal preference.

Next week: celery.

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Ragu: Week 1

Week 1: How many garlic cloves should I consider using for my ragu?

Join me next week as I answer the question to how many garlic cloves one should consider using in one’s ragu.

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